KiNdAfaBuLous

Happy Halloween errrrrbody!!!! So far it’s been a weird weekend, a fun weekend, but a weird one. Anyway, whenever I get ready for big events like Halloween, or like dates with cute boys; I like to take my time to get all sexified. Consistenly though, the special ingredient that makes the whole experience so magical for me is the music I listen to as I’m getting ready. Today, I’ve been listening to Beyonce and Nicki Minaj nonstop for the past 3 hours. Those two ladies, excuse me, GODDESSES, exude magic, confidence, beauty, whimsy, and talent, and those are qualities that I deeply admire. Today, those are the exact qualities that I’d like to channel into my Halloween Costume. My logic is that if I listen to B and Nicki for long enough, I will channel their essences, and then my hair will look especially fly as I’m spiking it up, and I’ll know to put on the exact right amount of my D&G “Rue de Fortune” cologne or like my face will magically glow because I’m happy and confident and whimsical and shit; stuff like that. Listening to “Single Ladies” (the remix) and “Massive Attack” has infected me with just the right amount of hope, confidence and swagger. I love getting ready for Halloween!!! Hope everyone has a great day.

My blackberry curve broke two days ago. The phone is only six months old, and the LCD screen went out. Did I drop it a few thousand times? Yes. Did I drop it right before the LCD screen turned white and black forming a tarantula-like artsy figure on the top right part of my screen? No. Almost instantaneously, the screen on my 6 month old blackberry went out, so I figured that I would be able to change the phone under warranty since clearly it was a manufacturer flaw. AT&T instructed me to go to the Torrance Equipment Service Center to see if I could change out the phone, since they keep them in stock there, despite the “physical damage” that the phone had incurred under my wrath. The woman at AT&T also told me it would be a “toss-up” as to whether they would replace the phone for free, but I’m persistent so I figured that I could sway the winds in my direction if need be.

This afternoon I went into the E.S.C. to change out my blackberry, and after staring at my phone for a while, “Alfredo” told me that AT&T would NOT be able to change my phone under warranty due to”physical damage.” And I was like, ‘what physical damage??? I haven’t dropped that phone in months! And there are no cracks (true)!’ Nonetheless, he did not relent in his initial ruling, so I told him that there had to be some alternative solution, since my family has been with AT&T for years, and that I would ‘hate to cancel all lines with all data plans, etc.’ The thing is: AT&T would be totally moronic to lose me and my family as a customer, because they seem to have quickly forgotten that the crazy bitch typing this very post dropped like $20,000.00 on a phone bill once, and by ‘this crazy bitch,’ I mean to say that ‘this crazy bitch’s DADDY’ once paid over $20,000.00 because I’m buckwild when it comes to love and responsibility. In essence, I told them that it would be a horrific business decision to NOT give me what I wanted, because I would cancel all my family’s lines, which would leave them with $$$ thousands of dollars of lost revenue. I told him that it was his choice, and he told me that “there was nothing” he could do, except talk to his boss.

When I spoke to “Alfredo’s” boss, he wasn’t much help either. He told me the same story that Alfredo told me about the “physical damage,” although he did say that if I wanted to speak to the warranty people directly, and if they approved it, they could give me a new phone to walk out of the store with free of charge. At that point, I sort of flipped out on poor Alfredo’s boss.

This Diva was not going to let some dude named after an Americanized pasta sauce deny me of my destiny, which was to walk out of there with a brand new blackberry. So I got on the phone with a warranty lady named “Leona,” who thanked me for my “valuable business,” and Leona tried to get bureaucratic on me by explaining all the reasons why she couldn’t help me and why AT&T couldn’t give me a new phone. To quote Bethenny Frankel, she was “coming from a place of No.” She offered to send me a new phone in 3 business days, but I told her that I ‘had already been inconvenienced by the faulty phone, the bad service, and by driving down to Torrance to waste my time,’ so the only way that I would be happy is if I left that store with a brand new blackberry. Furthermore, I also dropped the same threat to cancel all of my family’s lines as well as their data plans to Leona, and so she had to go “check with her supervisor” to see if she could authorize the store to give me a new phone. At that point, I knew that I might be leaving that store and quickly logging onto craigslist to see if I could get a new phone, but I didn’t want to do that. I felt possessed by a drive to succeed, and I wasn’t going to give up until I had achieved my goal.

When Leona got back on the line, she told me that couldn’t do anything, “unfortunately.” And I was like, ‘Let me put it to you like this, Leona: unfortunately, I have spent thousands of dollars on phone bills from AT&T, and my entire family uses AT&T, so if you’re comfortable losing thousands of dollars of revenue, then go ahead and do what you gotta do. But as a business person, that doesn’t make much sense; because I will walk my ass across the street to Verizon, cancel EVERYTHING I have with AT&T no matter what it costs, and I will be more than happy to do so. If you’re willing to forgo $200 bucks for thousands of dollars worth of past and future revenue, that doesn’t make a lot of fucking sense to me. Tell your supervisor THAT. ’

Realizing the severity in my tone, Leona put me on hold again to talk to her supervisor, and when she came back she told me that she could in fact authorize for me to get a new phone, and I felt elated and proud and victorious!!! I started dancing around the store getting all wild like THOUGHT YOU KNEW!!! Finally, I had succeeded in the battle of successfully getting MINE, which in this case was a new blackberry, and I did it all through persistence, being a bitch (to quote my girl Tina Fey, “bitches get stuff done”), through determination, and telling AT&T that: if they like it, they better put a new blackberry on it.

Ya’ll should try it sometime.

The fabulous Dean asked what I’m going to be this year for Halloween, and I’ve decided on being an Air Force Captain for a few reasons:

1. I’m almost 100% certain that the costume will look HOT on me. I mean, who doesn’t look handsome and manly in a green jumpsuit wearing aviators? It’s sort of like my “duh, I’m a mouse!” costume.

2. The costume zips straight down the middle, and I’m going to the Weho Parade, so I’m quite sure that anything with a zipper will be a big hit.

3. It’s sort of my personal homage to staying relevant with the times. I’m going to tattoo “Do ASK, Do TELL” across my neck because my country needs to get with that shit. Equality is not a Luxury.

4. By the way, Point 3 is kind of bullshit; I just feel like wearing a green jumpsuit cause it’ll look hot and I’m going to be surrounded by thousands of men. At the same time, I can still make a statement.

For the past week, I’ve been riding into work each day with my favorite Auntie, and we’ve made it a tradition to stop at this one Starbucks in Long Beach, which I picked because there tend to be cute Rudes in there who smile and talk to me in the mornings. On Monday morning, I noticed a woman (who was sort of dressed like a polygamist incidentally) sitting on a stool facing the window (with her laptop facing me), and I could see that she was intensely, joyfully staring at Alanis Morissette pictures, which I thought was sort of endearing because who doesn’t love Alanis Morissette? I personally am Head Over Feet for her. On Wednesday morning, I went to the same Starbucks, and as I was ordering my coffee, I saw the same woman on her laptop, and can you guess what she was doing? If you guessed “masturbating in her head to pictures of Alanis Morissette while sitting in the middle of a Starbucks”-you’re absolutely right. But Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think? Today, as I was ordering my venti iced coffee, I looked over and saw that familiar blissful face again staring at pictures of our girl, Alanis, and I started to get a little scared and disturbed

because it just seemed so manically odd. And it also seemed strange because of all the celebrities to be obsessed with, she picked Alanis Morissette, 90’s thoughtful, feminist angst icon. And I’m standing there thinking, ‘what’s the big deal about Alanis?’ Did she go down on you in a theater or something? Like, what gives stalker? Obviously, I myself have a huge Alanis Morissette obsession, and I proudly own it, but I don’t take my Alanis Morissette obsession to the local Starbucks for the ridicule of the world. Instead, I take that Alanis obsession to this blog, where I can post pictures of her and gush over lyrics she wrote over 10 years ago like a completely sane, normal man would do. I’m only telling you guys all this cause I felt that you oughta know.

1. Gays be CRAY CRAY (including me)./Americans do behave badly in foreign countries (oh welllllllll).

2. We took my friend, Traivor, to The Office restaurant in downtown Cabo for his 30th b-day dinner, and instead of bringing him a cake, the waiters brought him a banana with whip cream, so he could suck (as opposed to chew) his b-day desert. Clearly, they knew their audience.

3. I haven’t been as naked or skinny-dippish in a hot minute (months, maybe even years).

4. Had all kinds of fingers and mouths all over me. Oh, and we accidentally broke into some trophy wife’s villa by mistake (thought it was our’s-oh wellllllllllllll).

5. Found out a friend spent $350 to buy a fake spy-cam video camera “pen” to place inside of his boyfriend’s apartment so he could determine whether he was cheating on him or not. Brilliant.

6. Eye-fucked the shit out of Andrew Firestone’s (the Bachelor) friend (or brother, cousin, brother-in-law?). It honestly took everything inside of me not to get up and invite that hunk of beef into the pool house for a little “what happens in Mexico stays in Mexico” moment.

7. I get bored easily when I’m by the ocean. I can only take about 48 hours of sand and sunshine at max, then I get nervous and long for urban landscapes and settings and people.

8. I wouldn’t mind being rich, because then I could have afforded to drop like $20,000.00 on a 1 week stay at the Esparanza resort.

9. I’m a water-person. I love pools. I swim like a fish. I’m going to need to have a pool, or at least a best friend with a pool in the very near future.

10. Getting eaten by a shark is still a very real fear of mine, so I’m never truly comfortable in the ocean, except after many cocktails.

I ask you, Universe/Internet, how hard is it to find ONE good Kelis gif? Once again, you have failed me in my quest for a gif (under 500kb) of this unique and brilliant artist. I want nothing more than to see a gif of Kelis doing the milkshake dance so I can insert into another post to evoke the fact that I’ll be serving food in a sexually suggestive manner tonight, as well maintaining my charm and at the same time maintaining my halo. For now, I’ll have to post this still image of Kelis, which is nowhere near as effervescent or as radiant as it could be in gif form.

molls:

A man once stopped dating me because his friend made a lasagna. Like, we had a conversation about why I was suddenly uninvited to his house and he was like, “I dunno, my friend made lasagna….”

I accepted that answer.

This came to mind because Ed made a lasagna to celebrate a boy he likes (as a friend, you guys. He doesn’t like like like like like him.)

BTW, this is what he made:

I’m real impressed by what a domestic goddess my husband is.