And the Award for Pettiest, Darkest Person Goes to…
I like to indulge in my baser feelings sometimes. You should probably hear The Format singing “you know me” as you’re reading this. To my credit: I keep it 100. From my fingers to Gods ears, I will admit that I take delight in the petty, the immature, the fleeting happiness that comes with relishing in news that no well-adjusted, happy adult should relish in; so sue me, okay?
Without being too cryptic or abstract, let me provide you guys with a tangible example of my sardonic, Janeane Garofaloian, occasional attitude. On Saturday, one of my BFFs called to tell me that she was surfing facebook and saw that one of my old crushes had really “let himself go,” and call me Dr. Evil-but I took great delight in this. Part of me feels like the “normal” response should be, “Oh that’s too bad! Hope things get better for him!” But that wasn’t my inward response.
Things aren’t particularly easy for me right now. And I’m not particularly in a great place (again). Even though I try to stay positive and focused and “active” in the sense that I’m pursuing my dreams, occasionally-I sink and soak up the darkness. I have to believe that my taking delight in the news that one of my old crushes, who decided to date this truly tragic, sad, vapid, superficial, genuinely awful dude (over me) has gained a ton of weight and looks horrible; isn’t really the healthiest response.
I know that. Before you guys are quick to judge, you should know that it’s not like I go around not feeling happy for people on the regular (even when things are bad for me). On the daily-I feel true happiness and elation for good people succeeding. When I see a good person achieving greatness, I feel like the universe is restoring order to this chaos we call life.
But something about this dude, this old crush-who has grown increasingly self-righteous and superficial and overtly materialistic-who really shut me down, who really took advantage of me emotionally (albeit briefly), and who I really liked and respected at one point-has sparked a dark change inside of me. Perhaps now I see him for who he is, as opposed for who I wanted him to be?
Perhaps I’m just in a transitional state, where I’ve been in a semi-bad mood for the past month, and that’s affected my perspective? I can’t say for sure, because again-I consider myself a pretty positive, upbeat person with occasional bouts of moody angst brought on by the complications of my own life. There is no real answer.
Thinking back to one of my favorite movies of all time, “Two Can Play That Game,” (I’m sure all of you logically made the jump to that movie [I’m sure]), I can’t help but think of Vivica A. Fox’s character, “Shante Smith” affirming what I’m feeling: “You can’t be happy [for other people] until you get your stuff together.” That’s sort of what I’m feeling, sort of not.
To clarify: I’m in more of a “it feels vaguely, pretty fucking good that this asshole looks awful now”-emotional place and “maybe he should have got with me as opposed to that hooker” and that’s all. And again-I don’t feel really great about how I’m feeling. I want to be better, so I plan on transitioning out of this angsty, weird place I’m currently in, but I’m not gonna deny the smug smile on my face right now. And I’m also not gonna deny my blog of doing me 100.
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- kirability said: I’m in such a bad mood and I hate everyone right now. But your posts make me happy, even slightly.
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